Second Choice

I just wanted to write somewhere because i've been feeling really down, especially since last night, and I couldn't sleep because of it. I'm feeling really bad about everything, my life.. how I am, my looks, me in general. I had a dream last night (because I kept thinking about this one thing, and I guess when you think of something a lot.. you dream of it.. or them..) it was about my current boyfriend. Basically in the dream we we're together, then we ran into his ex and long story short, he chose between us and left me on the spot, no real hesitation. He couldn't stop looking or smiling at her. Dennis told me the other night he had a dream about his Ex (which I'm sure it wasn't the first). He told me in the dream I yelled at her (I'm sure more happened in the dream he just pretends to not know and won't tell me). Which really makes me feel like, oh ok. 1. He's dreaming about his ex (doesnt matter if we went to bed early) because he still thinks of her, and more than likely still has feelings, if not love feelings. 2. He thinks she's better than me (which he's made apparent a lot anyways..). 3. He thinks she's so great that he would dream about me yelling at her, only to make me look bad (even in a dream) and her look so innocent and great. It's been over a year and you're still dreaming about your Ex? If she's even still on your mind why are you still with me.. I feel like oh okay, she broke up with you.. you were still missing her and whatever when you went out with Robyn and now its the same here, we're just fillers that can't compete, and you'll never get over her. I don't want to feel like I cannot ever compete, and I don't want to feel like the person I love, loves someone else.. and will continue to for how ever long. I want his heart, no one else. Its like the thing I said before.. He's only not friends with this one person because he's with me. Im sure if he wasn't with me he'd still be looking her up on the internet, or still be trying to be friends with her in hopes of more one day. I don't want to continuously be someones second choice, I don't want to just be here as a filler. I hate being compared, and this dream was a comparison. I'm sorry I dont have a perfect life that allows me to be all joy and sunshine. I don't have family who loves me, and I don't have tons of money so I can do whatever I want. I am really torn up and broken about the situation, it may seem small.. but I do love him and he means a lot to me, even if we don't always get along.. so yeah I'm going to be depressed about it. I want to be the one he always thinks about and the one he loves, not some physco in the worse relationship he's ever had. I just wish I was someone else.. some one pretty, someone happy. Someone he can love.